The Pidgin Warrior Page 6

  Tianjin Heyi Company,

  Extra-Fine Quality,

  Special Swimming Suit,

  $7.50.

  He planned on putting the stealth suit on and going to check out the disturbance outside Little Wang’s room. He took off his mouse-grey gown and put on the stealth suit. But the stealth suit wasn’t big enough. He couldn’t very well take off his padded-cotton shirt and pants: catching a cold was no laughing matter. He would just be patient and get into it.

  No luck.

  He was infuriated. A little more effort: RIP! A big seam tore open in the stealth suit.

  “Dammit!” He threw the stealth suit onto the floor.

  He didn’t know if it was possible to go investigating the disturbance without the stealth suit. But one had to be patient and not go counter to custom: he wouldn’t go down without the stealth suit.

  Shi Zhaochang sat on his bed staring blankly, his fingers growing cold.

  The clock on the table produced its measured tick tock, letting time go by second by second.

  What was he staring for? Would the cook Little Wang really plot anything against him?

  Dear readers, if you have read many gongfu novels, or seen many gongfu movies, you will know that whatever it is like outside of China, the luck of warriors is always excellent: when it comes to the critical juncture, they will meet with their savior. Here the author can provide a word: If you wish to know of the great warrior Shi Zhaochang’s fate, “attend well to the elucidation of the following chapter.” Then you, dear readers, may wait at ease.

  However, our great warrior was not so at his ease. His legs were turning weak. He feared that Little Wang might have some plot. Dear readers, let us undertake a task for Shi Zhaochang: We will go to Little Wang’s room and look into the disturbance. It is helpful that if we do not wear the stealth suit, we will not violate custom.

  The 10 watt bulb in Little Wang’s room gave off an orange glow.

  The shadows of two figures stretched out on the wall. That is to say that aside from the cook Little Wang, there was another person sitting there. Was it that sorcerous master? It doesn’t seem so. If he would lift his face up we would see he is familiar to us: Ah, it’s Liu Fu. The cook was brooding.

  “What can I do?” He voice quavered. “Do I just take it?”

  “Don’t lose your temper, buddy. If you lose your temper, you’re the one who gets the worst of it.”

  “I can’t take it…”

  Liu Fu put a hand on Little Wang’s back. “Don’t be stupid. You just said that you wanted to go home. If you go home, is there anything to eat or drink? You don’t know Shanghai that well. Don’t think you’ll be able to find work if you leave here.”

  Xiao Wang began to cry.

  “What are you crying for?” Liu Fu said abruptly. “I’ve taken a lot worse than you. If I’d been like you I’d have died long ago… When you are eating the food of other, you have to be a little patient. Later on there’ll be a chance to go your own way, but now if you don’t control your temper, you’ll be starving right quick! Think about it: your wife, your kids, they’re all relying on you…”

  At that he raised his head to look at Liu Fu.

  Old Liu was sixty years older than he was, he had seen more of the world, and what he said made sense. To not control one’s temper is to starve. There were five of six mouths waiting for Little Wang to bring home food and stuff it in them. He couldn’t ignore that.

  But would Master and Mistress still want him?

  “But anyway… anyway…” he stuttered out.

  “Anyway what?”

  “They wouldn’t…”

  Old Liu understood, and scratched his head. “You’re afraid they’ll kick you out?”

  All that answered him were Little Wang’s still-moist eyes.

  “I’ll go talk to them for you.” Lao Liu’s brows lightly wrinkled. He told Little Wang to go to Master and Mistress early the next day and apologize and offer reparations. He’d also have to go over to the Young Master’s place too.

  The cook puffed out a sigh.

  “Now, don’t go thinking too much about it.” Liu Fu patted him. “That’s just the way it has to be. No doubt about it.”

  The way it has to be. The next day after breakfast, Little Wang and Liu Fu went to Shi Zhaochang’s room.

  Shi Zhaochang lept up.

  “Bring it on! Ah!” He immediately prepared himself: his legs bent into a squat, palms stretched out ramrod straight, and he breathed in a bellyful of air.

  Then just like that—the cook threw himself to the ground.

  What? Without even one blow, the opponent falls? Only Gan Fengchi could pull that off. Surely he hadn’t learned that gongfu without even knowing it?

  He stared at his hands, then looked at the man who had fallen to the ground. His mouth gaped open.

  Oh, Little Wang was kneeling to give a kowtow.

  He must be careful! He remembered there was a man named Xu in ancient times—He knelt to kowtow and then shot out three hidden flying blades.

  Shi Zhaochang spoke out very loudly, “If you want to fight, you must come and go in clear sight. No hero uses hidden blades!”

  That cook, who had entered the path of Evil, replied in this way: “Master, yesterday evening I affronted you. Please Master…”

  “What?”

  “I beg of you Master to forget the events of yesterday evening. I was in the wrong. I beg of you…”

  Shi Zhaochang slowly straightened his legs and put his hands on his hips. He arched his neck and gazed down on Little Wang.

  “Ah, Ah,” He said with a nasal tone. “As long as you know your offence is enough… Fine. Rise. I pardon you.”

  “Yes, yes. Thank you Master…”

  The happiness swelled his head: To turn the cook from Evil to the path of Good was his accomplishment.

  “Rise already, rise,” He kept his face deliberately impassive.

  “Let me ask you: Yesterday evening, you had entered onto the dark path, is that true?”

  The other man did not understand, and could only open his eyes wide.

  “The dark path. You understand? Yesterday evening, you must have entered onto the dark path?”

  Little Wang stared for a while. “Uh-huh.”

  “And now I have subdued you. Do you submit?”

  Another long stare. “Uh-huh.”

  “As long as you return to the Correct path, I will not blame you. You were ensorcelled yesterday evening. It was so bad that you didn’t even know your own place, and I couldn’t let that stand. Evil cannot triumph over Good: Of course not. I have subdued you… You must be careful to be good from now on, eh? Listen to my words. If you ever ensorcelled by Evil, you must come to me for help. Do you understand? Betters, inferiors, respectable and detestable, do you understand? The great and the petty… I must handle all those who enter onto the dark path: I will fight injustice anywhere under heaven… This…I swear my oath, if I do not do this, I’m no hero. If I don’t, I’m nothing but a bastard…”

  “Uh-huh!”

  “Alright, alright.”

  But as Little Wang crossed out over the threshold, he called him back.

  “Ah, I grant you two mao in cash. Go forth and let everyone know: For those that leave the dark path for the light, I will grant rewards. Go forth and let everyone know: True heroes care not for lucre. Spend it as they will, and without a thought. Go forth and let everyone know: I have rewarded you.”

  “Uh-huh.”

  As he watched Little Wang and Liu Fu leave, he felt like jumping up and down. This was his first step on the path of a warrior. Now he would have to just take things one by one as they come.

  He had a “Guangdong Double Dime” in his hand: He had originally meant to give Little Wang four mao, but then thought that might be a
bit much for an award, and so he kept that coin in his hand. He put his hand in his pocket and left the coin there. The clink made him remember that he had a lead dime in his pocket as well, and he regretted that he hadn’t given Little Wang the lead one.

  “Hmph. Didn’t think about it at the time.”

  That was a regret.

  Happiness is happiness, but there was a regret. But—

  “There’s nothing uncommon about spending two mao”

  Shi Zhaochang tried to cover over that regret with words: “The warrior gives everything in fighting for righteousness.”

  That night, after practicing his gongfu, he told Lord Guan about this. He was worried that if he knelt on the ground he might get his pants dirty, so he knelt on the sofa.

  “Oh hear me Lord Guan: I, Shi Zhaochang have completed an undertaking. I have subdued the cook Little Wang. I have caused him to move from the path of Evil to the path of Good. I also gave him two mao. And not the lead kind, either… I must completely fulfil the ambition that I have established. But I must have The Supreme Ultimate Master as my teacher. But I don’t know if we are fated to be together. Please send me a dream, Lord Guan… Ah yes and there’s The Woman Warrior of National Salvation…”

  When he got into bed, he cast an eye at Yue Fei: He might be unhappy that he had talked to Grandfather Guan and not him, but Grandfather Yue would have been able to hear it too anyway.

  He closed his eyes and waited for Lord Guan’s dream: He dreamt of performing the wedding bow to heaven and earth with the Woman Warrior of National Salvation who was wearing pink panties. Elder brother Hu Genbao was matchmaker. Suddenly Little Wang came up with a double dime and exchanged it for a lead mao coin and then bought a ham as a gift for him.

  He also dreamt of his stepmother taking a bath.

  5

  Paying Respects to The Supreme Ultimate Master

  On Sunday morning, Shi Zhaochang and Hu Genbao were walking on the street. There was also another gentleman who you, dear readers, are not familiar with: not quite forty years of age, and a bald head with no hat. He had a sharp nose that stuck out like the beak of a parrot. His upper lip hung over his lower lip, and his chin wasted away to almost nothing. It was as if someone had rubbed his face from forehead down, and everything just grew downward. His upper eyelids stuck out three of four zhang from his face as if they were setting up awnings for his eyes. He was taller than Hu Genbao, and he had a larger face. It was no wonder that Hu Genbao called him Elder Brother Disciple.

  As soon as Shi Zhaochang saw his Elder Brother he started to tell him the story of subduing the cook, but Big Brother didn’t seem excited at all. He just pulled him outside for a walk while explaining who his Elder Brother Disciple was:

  “This is my Elder Brother Disciple Half Mote.”

  Elder Brother Disciple started to chat with Shi Zhaochang with a thick Changsha accent, but every so often, he would throw out a few words in the “lower river” manner too.

  “Elder Brother Disciple came to Shanghai…”

  “I just got here.” He looked up to see the shop signs. “I rode one of them fern ferries down from Hankou.”

  “Fern ferry?” Shi Zhaochang was taken aback.

  “Yeah, Fern ferry. Them ferners’ ferries.”

  Shi Zhaochang still didn’t understand.

  Elder Brother explained it to him: “Foreign Ferry.”

  “Oh.”

  “Fern ferries are them stem butts what run on the Yankee.”

  Hu Genbao told his second brother that the “Yankee” was the Yangtze, and then patted his left arm on his leg.

  “Elder Brother Disciple was called to Shanghai by Master: Master had him come first.”

  “The Supreme Ultimate Master is coming?” Shi Zhaochang was struck.

  “Oh, he’ll be here very soon.” Elder Brother looked very carefully at a dim sum restaurant. “It’s hard to say if the Master hasn’t already arrived. You just have to… have to… you have to be fated. Heaven calls on you… a great meeting… if it’s fated you will meet The Supreme Ultimate Master.”

  Shi Zhaochang’s heart beat wildly, but he worked to keep calm. He locked his eyes on the ground. He took care to measure his stride, and to not push out his chest with his breathing. He waited for Elder Brother Disciple to continue speaking, but his waiting was interrupted.

  The sun crawled up from the southeast to the center of the sky. Shadows of all the different shops stretched out to the other side of the street like a half-collapsed wall—so untidy. A tram with a raised stick-like thing slid through the shadow.

  Three or four XX soldiers were walking on the sidewalk. They swung their shoulders back and forth as if their shoes were so heavy that it made it tough to walk.

  Shi Zhaochang’s mouth curled down at the edges. “Idiots! Those riff-raff aren’t worth anything. Just a casual touch on their pressure points, and they’d all be dead… And a little external gongfu would take care of eight out of ten of them.”

  One of the XX soldiers came up to them tilted his head to take a look. Shi Zhaochang’s face flushed.

  “They probably can’t understand Chinese, right?” he asked himself.

  Don’t worry: the devils didn’t understand.

  Uh, he’s not scary. All it would take would be an immortal swordsman with just a little training…

  He started to talk with Elder Brother and Elder Brother Disciple about that. He felt the volunteer troops were useless, and perhaps those national salvation organizations were nothing but trouble too. All words he had gotten used to saying.

  “There’s only one way, and that’s if we… but… but… Why doesn’t Elder Brother Disciple go and… Why doesn’t he…”

  The stunned expression fixed its roaming eyes on Shi Zhaochang’s face.

  In this sober atmosphere, Shi Zhaochang felt that he had choked on the words in his mouth and couldn’t spit them out. He wanted to ask Elder Brother Disciple: “If Master and Elder Brother Disciple have so much ability, why aren’t they going out and killing the devils? He rolled the idea around on his tongue for a long while before the other understood what he meant.

  His mouth open but silent, Elder Brother Disciple took a glance back at Hu Genbao.

  Just then Hu Genbao’s arm broke in between their shoulders followed by his whole body. He came to explain:

  “Great things and small things are all Heaven’s will. Master said that Heaven has already sent someone to kill the devils. There is no need for Master or myself to make a move.”

  Shi Zhaochang nearly jumped. He turned and faced Hu Genbao and with a quivering voice, asked, “Who has heaven called to make this effort? Who?”

  “I do not know.” He said softly. “You would have to ask Master to know that.”

  Elder Brother Disciple was quietly reading a sign on a telegraph pole:

  “Aid…help…vol…un…teer…troops…do…not…work…for…the…X…X…Every…body…fight…the…X…X…Im…per…i… ah…Lists. There’s nothing after that. Whussat? “The XX Imperiah Lists?”

  “It wasn’t written by a scholar, of course.” Shi Zhaochang furrowed his brow. “What do they know? Can you save the nation without studying? Ha! It must be so easy to save!”

  Elder Brother Disciple read something else: “Nan…Jing… Res…tau…rant… I’m ‘ungry…”

  “You’re hungry?” Hu Genbao seemed a little unhappy.

  “I only ate six of those muddon dumplins for breakfast. Then I walked from there to brother Shi’s place. Walked so far, course I’m ‘ungry.”

  Shi Zhaochang remembered then to ask where Elder Brother Disciple was staying.

  “Jerkoff Road.” He answered. “In a friend’s room. It’s not too far from the Sunya Cantonese Restaurant. You know about the Sunya, right? The Sunya’s right next to Jerkoff Road.”

  “Is it far
from here to your place?”

  “Real close—not far at all.” Hu Genbao pushed hard at his back and he continued, “Ah, really far away.”

  They couldn’t walk three abreast. The crowds of men and women pushed passed them on the sidewalk, so Hu Genbao fell behind them again. He looked nervously at Elder Brother Disciple. He wanted to push him back behind so he could walk next to Shi Zhaochang, but couldn’t make it happen.

  Shi Zhaochang wanted to talk to Elder Brother Disciple, but he was attracted to another sign.

  “What’s a ‘National Salvation Thermos’?”

  The other two were taken aback too, and they followed his eyes to the sign with pink characters.

  Ah, underneath were some characters in black ink, and there were even some of those new Western punctuation marks too.

  Only the Thermos Can Save the Nation!??!!!

  The Northeast is bitterly cold. Therefore when the Volunteer Troops are making war against the XX. They often carry a Moonlight Thermos Set with them. Because Moonlight Thermoses are inexpensive but of exceptional quality. They stay warm for seventy-two hours. Patriotic Volunteers. Use in unending happiness. Therefore it is said:

  Only the Thermos Can Save the Nation!??!!!

  You Cannot Miss This Patriotic Opportunity!??

  “There certainly are a lot of ways to save the nation.” Hu Genbao mumbled to himself without any expression at all.

  Shi Zhaochang grumbled, “What use are thermoses? If you have the Dao, you don’t even have to drink water at all!”

  No one responded. Elder Brother Disciple licked his lips and read from leaflets that were on a glass counter. There were drawings of snakes and chickens, and a dog-like something that wasn’t quite a dog. “Dragon Phoenix Meeting,” “Three Snakes Meeting,” “National Salvation Vaudeville,” “Masked Palm Civet Meeting,” and the last one:

  “Bring out your conscience.”

  “What’s that mean?”

  Hu Genbao read them all from first to last and explained them to Elder Brother Disciple and Shi Zhaochang: These were all about big meetings, and you have to have a conscience to hold a meeting, so…