The Pidgin Warrior Read online

  “This is a restaurant,” Elder Brother Disciple interrupted loudly. “They should say, “Bring out your belly!”” He did his most to make the ‘belly’ come out in a strong lower river accent.

  Shi Zhaochang pulled out cigarettes and offered them. Hu Genbao took a drag and spat out his new understanding:

  “Ah, that’s… They’re afraid the customers won’t pay, so they want them to ‘bring out your conscience.’”

  “Buying things without bringing money?” Shi Zhaochang glared, “This is injustice that must be righted!”

  His clenched his hands into fists and looked behind him. He was still walking, but he bent his legs so that he could drop into a horse stance at any time.

  “Trying to buy things without bringing money! What’s become of this world, hmph! If you don’t have money then you shouldn’t buy anything! Back home there was one year when some common people came up to our house, they were wanting to buy without bringing any money—they wanted to buy rice. It was nothing less than burglary! Such impudence—one of them actually…”

  Elder Brother suddenly struck Shi Zhaochang with all his might: “Master has come!”

  Shi Zhaochang was so excited he couldn’t stand still—But perhaps it was Elder Brother’s blow that made him unstable, I’m not entirely sure. In any case, all his blood flew as quickly as electricity through his body, his heart was jumping enough to break his lungs apart. It’s hard to express in words that kind of energy. Lovers separated for sixty years suddenly running into each other might have that sort of energy.

  He followed Elder Brother Disciple and Elder Brother with a quick step. He eyes were peeled wide, searching everyone on the sidewalk. A living immortal will look different than ordinary people, he would know at a glance. But then a flood of people were coming out from the Isis Theatre and for a moment he couldn’t see anyone.

  Elder Brother Disciple and Elder Brother had gone up to someone and greeted him with respectful raised clasped hands.

  An introduction…

  No. No introduction. With one look, The Supreme Ultimate Master knew Shi Zhaochang and his history.

  “Ah, it is Shi Zhaochang, come from the north.”

  His accent sounded a bit like he was from Hunan. Perhaps he was from Chenzhou.

  Shi Zhaochang decided to kneel down and kowtow, but it wasn’t easy on the concrete sidewalk. Just look at the ground: There’s a big pile of lemon-yellow snot. To kneel there would certainly lead to dirty clothes. So he put his arms together and made deep salute from his nose to his heels, before bringing his hands back. Then a second salute. Then a third. Then he stood ramrod straight, with his head bowed and his eyes locked on his own nose to the point he was cross-eyed.

  He wanted to say something to The Supreme Ultimate Master, but he felt his tongue stiffen up.

  The Supreme Ultimate Master chuckled with Elder Brother Disciple. “So this is the disciple from the north.”

  This disciple from the north was doing all he could to keep breathing.

  “I suppose it is,” said Elder Brother Hu Genbao.

  “Eh…” The Supreme Ultimate Master jutted his chin out a bit. “Lift up your head and let me look at you.”

  Shi Zhaochang’s forced his eyes away from the bridge of his nose to stare at the feet of The Supreme Ultimate Master. From there he went slowly upward. He first saw a pair of cotton-soled shoes, and yellow wool socks. Above this were two thin legs with satin bindings. Only a small stretch of the legs were visible: they were mostly covered by a deep grey gown. Moving further upward, there were five or six spots of grease to be discovered on the gown—very regularly spaced. Then the magua jacket, the lapels glistening with oil. Following on that, the shoulders and neck were unseen, because next appeared the chin…

  Shoulders and neck?

  You would see the ear before seeing any shoulder. His shoulders were so high that his neck, so short to begin with, was shortened to nothingness.

  His tiny head was nearly buried between those two shoulders.

  Then he looked upon the visage of The Supreme Ultimate Master.

  There was a beard: Only a few wisps from nearby the two corners of his mouth, everywhere else was hairless. His eyes were red, only a dull red compared to the rims of his eyes. And in the corner of his eyes hung moist rheum. His face was very sallow, with several areas running to the green. All this topped with a rather pointed head.

  Shi Zhaochang couldn’t tell how old he was. From looking at him he couldn’t be more than forty, but of course that couldn’t be true.

  “He has potential, this boy!” The Supreme Ultimate Master smiled, showing off two gold teeth, and one tooth bordered in gold. “Do you know who you were in a previous life?”

  “I don’t.”

  “Of course you don’t know. In your previous life, you were… you were… I’d better not say. The mysteries of heaven must not be divulged… I knew right when you arrived in Shanghai… Half Mote, you were just talking about me, weren’t you?”

  Elder Brother Disciple Half Mote nodded casually. Hu Genbao glanced at him and he quickly took a respectful posture and belted out: “Yes!”

  “I had a sudden feeling that you were discussing me so I came from Hankou. I just arrived… There are so many people here, Motherfucker!”

  Half Mote smiled broadly, and pulled at Shi Zhaochang’s sleeve. “Let’s go to Sunya and sit for a while. What do you think? We can talk a bit.”

  Shi Zhaochang wanted The Supreme Ultimate Master to show them a little bit of his skill, but he didn’t dare ask. Those skills shouldn’t be used lightly.

  He hadn’t even spoken to The Supreme Ultimate Master, only two words. No hurry. Once at the teahouse they could talk at their leisure. He needed to tell The Supreme Ultimate Master about the oath he made at the temple to Guan Yu and how he had given his life over to his mission. And the first step had already been taken: The cook had been turned from Evil to Good. He was fated: he was the disciple that The Supreme Ultimate Master had spoken of!

  “Should I mention the Woman Warrior of National Salvation?”

  People who cultivate the Dao don’t talk about women. The Supreme Ultimate Master might tell him to not have any interaction with women.

  The vision of the Woman Warrior of National Salvation kept floating up again.

  He didn’t believe that his relationship with the Woman Warrior was ended: The two of them still had some destiny together. They would save the nation together, righting injustice. Women Warriors were very rare.

  Breathing shallowly, he looked at The Supreme Ultimate Master. The Supreme Ultimate Master was saying something to Elder Brother Hu Genbao with a belch.

  “In the future, if you aid me well… Heaven will call on him…”

  Shi Zhaochang set aside what he had been thinking and focused to hear if The Supreme Ultimate Master was talking about him.

  Elder Brother Disciple looked both ways and pulled The Supreme Ultimate Master across the street. “To Sunya, to Sunya. Brother Shi will treat.”

  He was anxiously waiting for a car going south, and then for a tram going north.

  The Supreme Ultimate Master wasn’t even looking at the impatience in Elder Brother Disciple’s face. He just kept casually talking to Hu Genbao. He belched so powerfully he had to put a hand to his mouth and try hard to keep himself together, his brows wrinkling as if in pain.

  “He hasn’t studied the Dao with me before, I should set out some of my feats of virtue… Feats of virtue, he should…”

  “When I was in Hankou, he saved me,” Hu Genbao leaned in close to The Supreme Ultimate Master’s ear as he glanced back at Shi Zhaochang making it look like he wanted to talk privately, worried that someone might hear them. But his voice was so loud that no one could avoid hearing everything clearly.

  “Yes,” The Supreme Ultimate Master said matter-o
f-factly, “Ah, that’s why I had you test him, to see if he actually is…”

  Each and every one of these words penetrated Shi Zhaochang’s ears. They were talking about him. But what? It was The Supreme Ultimate Master that sent Hu Genbao to test his heart? An inexpressible feeling rose in him: was it joy or disappointment?

  But he really did have a deed of virtue: He had to tell The Supreme Ultimate Master about his Subjugation of the Cook. Right, he gave Little Wang two mao, too.

  His hands were so sweaty. There were so many things he needed to tell The Supreme Ultimate Master: And there was the Woman Warrior of National Salvation, too.

  Suddenly, it was like he had been struck hard.

  “Thou shalt not get close to womanly charms…?”

  The four of them planned to cross the street, but a truck came along and recklessly sprayed out water, soaking their shoes.

  “Dammit!”

  The Supreme Ultimate Master didn’t quite know what was going on. He raised his bloodshot eyes to look for the truck, and another one came along right after it, towing a big leather-looking thing behind it to clean the streets.

  He laughed. “Ah! Damn! What a huge washcloth!”

  Elder Brother Disciple wiped his face, saying to himself, “They’re all damn fern things.”

  “They’ve soaked my legs!”

  “That’s just not right.”

  Hu Genbao remembered fire-fighting hose being used to hose people down, and explained it in detail.

  “They’ve had that in Beijing, too.” Shi Zhaochang said guardedly. “It’s to use against unrest. Upright people of course… But then maybe it wasn’t Beijing. In any case, upright people wouldn’t cause unrest. Upright people would…”

  He looked at The Supreme Ultimate Master and worried he had said something wrong.

  Several passers-by were looking at them now. Shi Zhaochang felt proud. They were taking in the visage of The Supreme Ultimate Master.

  They were thinking, “Who are these people? That one who is like an immortal must the master of the other three.”

  If he were to tell them: This is The Supreme Ultimate Master…

  But Shi Zhaochang felt a trifle uneasy at this. He thought of the permed one who threw mud-pellets.

  “Those who cultivate the Dao maintain a pure Yang Qi, pure Yang… The pure Yang of the ancestors…”

  Ah! The pure Yang of the ancestors! The Three Ploys of White Lotus!

  He caught his breath and followed them across the street, his mouth repeating, “Sunya, Cantonese…”

  After going up the stairs, a broad belt had stopped the three of them. Elder Brother Disciple was commenting on a posted note.

  “It says it like this, they’re saying XX people can’t come in to eat. XX people cause trouble, so they’re saying they can’t come to eat. XX people cause trouble…XX… That’s the path of Evil. Chinese people have the path of Good, nothing to worry about… so… so…”

  6

  The Power of The Supreme Ultimate Master

  The Supreme Ultimate Master did not eat any dim sum.

  “Myself, The Supreme Ultimate Master, has not partaken of anything from the smoke and fire of the human realm for over three hundred years, to say nothing of some Cantonese dim sum!”

  He only drank tea. He spoke to Shi Zhaochang of several schools: Confucius, Laozi, Shakyamuni, they were all good’uns, all worthy of faith. And Christianity and Islam had their points too.

  “There is just this one word: ‘Dao’: these five schools are all the proper Dao. So I, The Supreme Ultimate Master, now… I’ve very… there is a global civilization now, so the immortals of China are in contact with the foreign immortals. When the foreign immortals drink tea, they like to add a little jellied fruit. Now this is…”

  With this, The Supreme Ultimate Master took the dish of hot sauce and mustard and dumped them all in the teapot. Then he mixed it together with a chopstick.

  Shi Zhaochang worried this only interfered with his job of listening attentively, he had eaten very little. He just sat there on his butt staring at the face of The Supreme Ultimate Master. His back was hunched so much that his neck stuck out and he strained to breathe. He was always looking for an opportunity to tell his story about subduing cook Little Wang, but The Supreme Ultimate Master never closed his mouth. From talking about the foreign immortals, he started in on Liu Bowen.

  “Young Bowen lives up on Mount Kunlun now. He plays chess and drinks tea with Ji Dian the Mad Monk”

  Eyes locked on the teacup, he carefully poured a little from the pot. “Several of us friends have been planning to build a platform for refining immortality pills, and to ask for donations from disciples who have potential, to donate for this…”

  “I could donate too, would that be alright?” Shi Zhaochang caught the eyes of The Supreme Ultimate Master.

  He smiled like an adult praising a child. “Of course, you must donate. You have potential: In your previous life… Your previous life… Ah, these are the mysteries of heaven not to be revealed by man… In the future, your Elder Brother Disciple and Elder Brother both will aide you in your great task.”

  “Shi Zhaochang stared at his Elder Brother Disciple: He was chewing on something with great gusto, his cheeks puffed tight like rubber balls. Then he swallowed with a great echoing gulp while his eyes rolled back in his head. Then he picked up another great bun. He spat out bones impatiently, as if eating the bun were a job he was not very interested in doing. He muttered, “Aghmargh, uh, hruhruhruh, wu?”

  No one understood him. No one asked.

  Elder Brother Hu Genbao looked at another table, his eyes glued to some women. Every so often, he would make a gesture implying that they were “old thresholds.” Then he’d switch to Cantonese to call out to the tea server, “Fogai!”

  The Supreme Ultimate Master swept his bloodshot gaze across the three faces, then looked back to his teacup. He spoke to the teacup, “You have native ability. I, The Supreme Ultimate Master, will certainly take you on as disciple. Have you performed any feats of virtue?”

  Shi Zhaochang stared dumbly. Who was he asking? Was it? How could…

  “Hm?” The Supreme Ultimate Master jerked his head up.

  “Uh, uh, yes.” The young man’s head dipped several times. “I was… Lord Guan and…The Sacred Lord Guan… I already subdued…”

  Those closed eyes: The moist rheum had all been squished out of the eye sockets. He heard Shi Zhaochang continue speaking. He replied with his nose alone, as if marking the beat to the story. His face held no expression as if the events of the story were nothing of any note. This made Shi Zhaochang more than a little uncomfortable. His eyes didn’t leave that utterly unflappable face for a minute while he used all kinds of gestures to describe the events of that night—Those events are all known to you, dear reader. What a pity that I told you so early. Otherwise, what an outstanding piece of work I could write about his narration right now!

  Shi Zhaochang went on as if he were reading from a gongfu novel.

  But The Supreme Ultimate Master maintained impassive closed eyes: the muscles on his face hadn’t even twitched. Shi Zhaochang wiped the sweat from his nose. His voice cracked higher. He shot a glance at Hu Genbao and Half Mote: they weren’t listening. His voice rose higher again. He wished that The Supreme Ultimate Master’s face would just tense up a little, or maybe if he could smile a bit.

  “He didn’t go to sleep, did he?”

  No: All he had to do was wait a moment, and there was a perfectly peaceful: “Hm?”

  So he took another breath and kept on with the story. He started to lose a little conviction about this master. He stared back in reprisal at those closed eyes of The Supreme Ultimate Master: And he suddenly noticed that The Supreme Ultimate Master’s eyelids didn’t have a single eyelash.

  “Ah? He doesn’t have eyelashes, ah!
”

  For some reason, this put him more at ease.

  His voice went higher again reaching into a falsetto. This is how he told the climax of the story—

  “I gave him two mao, two mao!—Cash!—not lead! Two mao!”

  The Supreme Ultimate Master raised up his teacup and took a sip, and with a “wa!” he spat it to the ground.

  The table of ladies next to them quickly moved their legs out of the way and leveled a glance at The Supreme Ultimate Master, then looked to their shoes, muttering a few choice words.

  “I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” The Supreme Ultimate Master cupped his hands toward the ladies.

  Shi Zhaochang was taken aback: How could they be so disrespectful toward his master! And Master even cupped his hands to them—to women!

  He lifted his butt an inch out of his chair, silently preparing… He stared out: His line of sight lit upon the body of one of the ladies.

  The Woman Warrior of National Salvation!

  He sat back down.

  “Uh, no.”

  She looked a little like her.

  “I still have too much fire qi,” he said to himself. “Master doesn’t have any fire qi.”

  He drank several mouthfuls of tea to settle himself. He had to finish telling his story and hear any admonitions that The Supreme Ultimate Master might have. He also had to tell him about The Woman Warrior of National Salvation. And then, he had to ask The Supreme Ultimate Master to select a propitious day to take him as disciple. Things must be arranged quickly, the devils had already driven into X Province!

  But there was that old saying: As long as something is arranged by heaven, everything will proceed smoothly. It goes without saying that Shi Zhaochang would be taken as disciple by The Supreme Ultimate Master. He would need a Thirteenth Sister too, that wouldn’t stand in the way of cultivating the Dao.

  “You are still very young. Of course, you will have to find a Woman Warrior.”

  The Supreme Ultimate Master, eyes still closed, spoke of the date: When the date came, they would hold the ceremony to take him in as disciple. They would need to invite guests. After that he could teach him some Daoist skills.